I'm a puppy and that's okay.

In the last post, I called myself a metaphorical "puppy" because I want to be where the people (and the fun) are and I love getting time and attention from those I care about. (Doesn't everyone, really?)

Yesterday, I was finding fault with myself for being this way--for always wishing a friend or a family member was at least in the room with me. I kept asking myself, "Why can't I be content to be alone? Why do I feel depressed after a day of no time with a close friend? After all, Jesus is here with me!"

I think part of my loneliness is being four months from graduation. Another part of it is that, of my five closest friends at Moody, only four are currently attending, and of those, only one lives on campus. As tough as that can be, it makes me extremely thankful for all the time I spend weekly with my dear friend Emily. We are interning at her church and spend two or three nights a week at her house. But she commutes from home and doesn't live a few doors down the hall like she used to.

And last night, I really missed the time when she did.

But again, I told myself "I need to buck up!! Why do I need people all the time??"

Soon afterward, a thoughtful friend said something like this to me:

We grow up taking the security of a family for granted. Even when they're not interacting with us, they're there. When we leave home, our friends become our family. If they leave or they're not available to us when we need them, we feel their absence strongly.

I think she's right.

I'm too hard on myself about it, but my extroverted, loving nature should be something I'm thankful for. It has its potential--like any disposition--to be unhealthy, but God has already been working in me in that regard.

I'm simply a puppy-kind-of-person who often misses the presence of people I love.

That doesn't mean I don't appreciate God's presence, it just means...I don't know...

I guess it just means I love being with people. And that's a great thing.

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P.S. (That's a great thing especially for the type of missionary position I'm currently applying for: being an RA for high school girls at a Christian boarding school. More to come on that. :))

Confessions of a new puppy.

I'm a terrible person.

Let me rephrase that.

I'm a terrible, needy person.

Whenever I feel my attention to my relationship with Jesus has gone down....you can guess what goes up.

Yep. The terrible-ness. And needy-ness.

Maybe you can relate.

I just heard a sermon that opened with a quote from a high school commencement speech given by a teacher. Its main point was: you're not special. I don't think I am. I try not to. I spent a good part of my teenage years pretty vehemently disliking myself. So I figured...hey, I'll be good at not thinking much of myself.

Wrong.

A brief example...

"Why didn't so-and-so ask to hang out with me? They probably don't care about me. No that can't be true. But I saw on Instagram they had time for so-and-so! Wow, FINE. I won't text them!

Oh my gosh, so-and-so has hardly texted me. Probably thinks I'm annoying and doesn't miss me. Why won't they text back? Oh good. Waaaait, why did they text back that time and then the next time take foreverrrr.....hmmm...I think they're avoiding me. They don't want to talk to me!"

Don't worry. I'm rolling my eyes too.

Turns out selfishness or pride isn't just thinking well of yourself. It's thinking of yourself.

At ALL.

And I think about myself.

A lot.

We all do. ...Right?

But the Gospel could put a leak in even the most airtight ego.

"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1-2

Based on what goes through many of our heads, we're all holding onto self in one way or another.

For me right now, letting go of self might be....not being a friend who reads into everything and requires more maintenance and attention than a new puppy.

I'm nothing special. But if I lived my life like everyone else was, the knot of insecurity in my stomach would disappear and I would look a little more like...

"...Christ [who] loved us and gave himself up for us".


Bekah